I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
