remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
