Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
