He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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