I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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