Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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