So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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