I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
