We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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