Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
