i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
