you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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