I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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