My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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