I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
