The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
