Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
