Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
