trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
