i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
