we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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