we're chasing vodka with high fives
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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