I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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