having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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