Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
