Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
