Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
