High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
