I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
it's like iHOP with fire
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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