Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
