You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
