it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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