it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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