Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
