Swine flu. Run for my life!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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