When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
