my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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