ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
