I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
