there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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