He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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