she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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