Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
