Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How does it feel to date your dad?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
