I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
