Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
