Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
