Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
