I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
