I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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