Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
