Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
